Transitory parts of my life have always been extremely difficult, exciting, and frightening. The fear and excitement of the unknown clash and I’m not sure how to feel from moment to moment.
In my life, I have been many things: a sweet, shy girl next door, a preppy tomboy, a naive suburban girl, a jock, a chamber maid, a wallflower, an actress, a stripper, a tennis pro, a cater waiter, a backup rock singer, a perfume sprayer, a dog walker, a faghag, a funny girl, a playwright, a depressed hot mess, a boxer, an actress, an East Village party girl, a writer, a filmmaker, a wedding videographer, a corporate video producer, a documentary filmmaker, a journalist, a black belt in Taekwondo, a boxing coach for kids, a wife and a mother of two rescued dogs. Some of these roles happened effortlessly while others took a real decision and action to set out and achieve.
Is it that I’m having a constant identity crisis? Split personalities? Or is it that my interests vary? Do my talents go in many ways or can I not find my niche and just keep pushing in different directions to see where my strengths lie? “Jack of all trades, master of none,” is a phrase that has become self referential. I long to be phenomenal at something, but always fall short of that goal.
Having just finished my second documentary film, I know a new phase of life is around the corner. I am feeling that mix of malaise and possibility. We don’t know whether the film will be accepted into the top film festivals, sell to cable, or even have much of a life beyond independent distribution. On the other hand, it could be a big fat hit with the fight crowd, the self help, crowd, women, and people who have PTSD. Will it get into Sundance? Sell to HBO? Oprah? PBS? Could I sell millions of downloads and DVDs?
In the meantime, I don’t know where my next job is coming from, who my next paycheck will be from, and I sigh as I watch the numbers get lower each time I withdraw more cash out of the ATM.
I chose this lifestyle a long, long time ago and this transitory period from time to time is what that choice demands. I suppose it does get easier to keep following your heart, your intuition even when times get tough. I have a history of bouncing back with a new look, a new interest and somehow have either eeked out a living or made a handsome amount doing something that is sort of on my own terms. These are the times the most growth occurs. Must be present and open to opportunities that might reveal themselves, without feeling desperate or trying too hard.
Very difficult to be in Trans.